Dodging the Dogs

I love dogs... I really do! For a start, they are immensely cute and cuddly. They're amazing company to play and to shove and hug and throw around, they're extremely loyal, and always seem to be enjoying life. And hell, they've even played supporting roles in a few successful South Indian films (along with snakes and bears and birds and elephants of course). The only problem is, dogs don't feel the same way about me. It is the most tragic and most perpetual of one-way love affairs. Dogs simply hate me!

I suspect the main reason for this could be that however much I love them, I also fear them. And I'm sure dogs have this animal instinct to detect fear and turn hostile towards it. I'm also afraid of cats, of raven, of mice and all those animals that have claws and teeth and prefer to use them against logic or concern for personal safety. But then these animals run away from me when I make a mock charge at them. But dogs, they're different. Many a times I made a mock charge at them only to see them charge back at me with renewed vigor. And were it not for some tall gate or a strong fence, I'd have ended up as dog dinner.

Knowing very well the fact that all dogs consider themselves superior to me, I make it a point to completely leave them alone. But they always make it a point to acknowledge my presence as if to tell me, 'Hey buddy, I know you're here. Watching you' (gulp). I remember this one incident when I was jogging along the beach when I saw these two huge German Shepherds playing around ahead. Immediately I slowed my jog into a fast walk and then into a slow walk. Feigning total disinterest in them and with a prayer on the lips, I was quietly sneaking past when one of the brutes had to come at me, for no reason at all. Luckily, he was content with just scaring the shit out of me, sniffed me a little, gave a few woofs and with an irritated look watched me go.

In Kerala, just around where I stay, there's this mean looking black street dog that considers one entire lane as its territory. Every time I pass by on a bicycle or scooter it shoots out from some hidden place, running alongside nipping at the pedals. Thanks to it, I have broken quite a few land speed records. That notwithstanding, I say the government should collect all these stray dogs and take them away to some uninhabited place, and let these animals have fun barking at each other.

Now, due to this constant war with dogs I know all there is to know about how to handle an attacking dog, how to treat a dog bite, what to do, what not to do, which breed you can outrun, which breed you can only stay and pray, all those trivia. Well, if there's nothing you can do to avoid the tangle with dogs, at least you could be prepared for it, right? Wonder how our elders thought of writing, 'Sleep with dogs, wake up with fleas'. Well guys, if you sleep with the ones I come across on a daily basis, you just might not wake up. The worst thing is when I see the same dogs behaving quite normally with other human beings. I guess God created the dog and said, 'You are a dog. You will live for 20 years, will bark from morning to evening, eat meat, guard houses, chase cats and frighten the shit out of Rajesh'.

Well, I'm waiting for an opportunity to get my own dog, the meanest breed that I can lay hands on. I'll get him as a pup, feed him, dress him, sleep with him (stop grinning pervert), love him, cuddle him... you know, catch him young and watch him grow. And then let me see if he turns on me or not. I'll put in the result if I'm still alive then. But for now, I guess I'm better off dodging the dogs.