I love dogs... I really do! For a start, they are immensely cute and cuddly. They're amazing company to play and to shove and hug and throw around, they're extremely loyal, and always seem to be enjoying life. And hell, they've even played supporting roles in a few successful South Indian films (along with snakes and bears and birds and elephants of course). The only problem is, dogs don't feel the same way about me. It is the most tragic and most perpetual of one-way love affairs. Dogs simply hate me!
I suspect the main reason for this could be that however much I love them, I also fear them. And I'm sure dogs have this animal instinct to detect fear and turn hostile towards it. I'm also afraid of cats, of raven, of mice and all those animals that have claws and teeth and prefer to use them against logic or concern for personal safety. But then these animals run away from me when I make a mock charge at them. But dogs, they're different. Many a times I made a mock charge at them only to see them charge back at me with renewed vigor. And were it not for some tall gate or a strong fence, I'd have ended up as dog dinner.
Knowing very well the fact that all dogs consider themselves superior to me, I make it a point to completely leave them alone. But they always make it a point to acknowledge my presence as if to tell me, 'Hey buddy, I know you're here. Watching you' (gulp). I remember this one incident when I was jogging along the beach when I saw these two huge German Shepherds playing around ahead. Immediately I slowed my jog into a fast walk and then into a slow walk. Feigning total disinterest in them and with a prayer on the lips, I was quietly sneaking past when one of the brutes had to come at me, for no reason at all. Luckily, he was content with just scaring the shit out of me, sniffed me a little, gave a few woofs and with an irritated look watched me go.
In Kerala, just around where I stay, there's this mean looking black street dog that considers one entire lane as its territory. Every time I pass by on a bicycle or scooter it shoots out from some hidden place, running alongside nipping at the pedals. Thanks to it, I have broken quite a few land speed records. That notwithstanding, I say the government should collect all these stray dogs and take them away to some uninhabited place, and let these animals have fun barking at each other.
Now, due to this constant war with dogs I know all there is to know about how to handle an attacking dog, how to treat a dog bite, what to do, what not to do, which breed you can outrun, which breed you can only stay and pray, all those trivia. Well, if there's nothing you can do to avoid the tangle with dogs, at least you could be prepared for it, right? Wonder how our elders thought of writing, 'Sleep with dogs, wake up with fleas'. Well guys, if you sleep with the ones I come across on a daily basis, you just might not wake up. The worst thing is when I see the same dogs behaving quite normally with other human beings. I guess God created the dog and said, 'You are a dog. You will live for 20 years, will bark from morning to evening, eat meat, guard houses, chase cats and frighten the shit out of Rajesh'.
Well, I'm waiting for an opportunity to get my own dog, the meanest breed that I can lay hands on. I'll get him as a pup, feed him, dress him, sleep with him (stop grinning pervert), love him, cuddle him... you know, catch him young and watch him grow. And then let me see if he turns on me or not. I'll put in the result if I'm still alive then. But for now, I guess I'm better off dodging the dogs.
Tuesday, October 28, 2008
Men are from Mars, Women are in the Jewellery Store
What is it with women and jewellery? I'll try to be as considerate as possible here. I agree that jewels are made of precious metals or stones, and are a good investment for future economic crisis, and add a little pomp and status in society. But that is as far I can go. None of this explains to me why women need to be chloroformed and gagged and tied up to persuade them out of the vicinity of jewels.
I recently went with this lady friend of mine to a jewellery store to shop for a relative. Its not that I am at war with this particular relative, but my intention was to simply select one decent piece within the allotted budget and leave. It turned out to be much more complicated than that.
As soon as we entered this big store, my normally sane friend was totally transformed into this wide eyed, gaping dimwit. She was looking all around, taking in everything except where she was going, and I had to stick close by to make sure she didn't bump into one of those plastic models or fall down the stairs. I quickly asked my way to the ear-rings section while attributing her strange behaviour to the food we just had.
At the ear-rings section, I simply mentioned my budget and asked them to show me the choices I had. But she would hear none of it. She told me in no uncertain terms to stand back and watch, while she, with all the confidence of some jewellery merchant, took over. She looked at one piece, asked that it be taken out, studied it for a while, a long while, that is, put it at different places all over her body, held it at every possible angle from 0 to 180 (sorry for being so analytical here), and in the end simply dismissed it, asking for the next one. I almost thought this was some MTV style prank, where one tests the patience limit of another. But no, the sales girl was only too happy to get her the next piece to undergo the same rigorous scrutiny as before, piece after piece, patiently with a smile. I guess it takes one species to understand its kind. And through all this, I simply sat there trying to look important, but feeling more like a fool and doing my best not to fall asleep.
One section of ear-rings came and went, the next section came and went, and the third. By now I was convinced it was a mistake to ask for her help. Finally, after what seemed like an eternity, she turned around and with eyes gleaming with excitement, asked, 'Rajesh, are you sure you want ear-rings only? There aren't any good choices for selection here, Why don't we look at other ornaments?'. What? Are you kidding me? After 2 hours of painfully going through a hundred or so ear-rings, you mean to say there's no choice here? Then why in the world didn't she feel so in the very first glance, surely she didn't have to do all those stunts with the pieces to come to that conclusion. Anyway, I couldn't bear to sit there for another couple of hours going through necklaces or rings or any other piece of ornament, for that matter. Already my eyes were seeing gold and silver everywhere. I messaged one bewildered colleague to ring me(no pun intended) on my mobile, answered the call with a few loud exclamations and words like 'Emergency' and 'Oh No!' and 'I'll be right there', grabbed my jewellery merchant's hands and yanked her out of the store.
And thats the last I'll walk into a jewellery store with a woman.
I recently went with this lady friend of mine to a jewellery store to shop for a relative. Its not that I am at war with this particular relative, but my intention was to simply select one decent piece within the allotted budget and leave. It turned out to be much more complicated than that.
As soon as we entered this big store, my normally sane friend was totally transformed into this wide eyed, gaping dimwit. She was looking all around, taking in everything except where she was going, and I had to stick close by to make sure she didn't bump into one of those plastic models or fall down the stairs. I quickly asked my way to the ear-rings section while attributing her strange behaviour to the food we just had.
At the ear-rings section, I simply mentioned my budget and asked them to show me the choices I had. But she would hear none of it. She told me in no uncertain terms to stand back and watch, while she, with all the confidence of some jewellery merchant, took over. She looked at one piece, asked that it be taken out, studied it for a while, a long while, that is, put it at different places all over her body, held it at every possible angle from 0 to 180 (sorry for being so analytical here), and in the end simply dismissed it, asking for the next one. I almost thought this was some MTV style prank, where one tests the patience limit of another. But no, the sales girl was only too happy to get her the next piece to undergo the same rigorous scrutiny as before, piece after piece, patiently with a smile. I guess it takes one species to understand its kind. And through all this, I simply sat there trying to look important, but feeling more like a fool and doing my best not to fall asleep.
One section of ear-rings came and went, the next section came and went, and the third. By now I was convinced it was a mistake to ask for her help. Finally, after what seemed like an eternity, she turned around and with eyes gleaming with excitement, asked, 'Rajesh, are you sure you want ear-rings only? There aren't any good choices for selection here, Why don't we look at other ornaments?'. What? Are you kidding me? After 2 hours of painfully going through a hundred or so ear-rings, you mean to say there's no choice here? Then why in the world didn't she feel so in the very first glance, surely she didn't have to do all those stunts with the pieces to come to that conclusion. Anyway, I couldn't bear to sit there for another couple of hours going through necklaces or rings or any other piece of ornament, for that matter. Already my eyes were seeing gold and silver everywhere. I messaged one bewildered colleague to ring me(no pun intended) on my mobile, answered the call with a few loud exclamations and words like 'Emergency' and 'Oh No!' and 'I'll be right there', grabbed my jewellery merchant's hands and yanked her out of the store.
And thats the last I'll walk into a jewellery store with a woman.
Not a Penny's worth
The world is talking about recessions again and of job insecurities, especially in the financial sectors. Life seems to be going around in circles, for not too long ago we faced a similar situation in the IT sector in the early part of this decade, when the dot.com bubble burst. Of course, the IT companies have come a long way hence and have been a stepping stone to many a thousand professional lives and their dreams. And as I read about company bankruptcies, mergers and job layoffs, I can’t help but recollect my own situation not too long back during the previous global crisis.
I too was once such a young aspirant, spending my fourth year in college with not a care in the world. What did I have to worry about? Having received not one, but two job offers by the end of my third year, I only had to maintain my academic average through the remaining period and walk in to my job. Moreover, with my previous experiences, I was fully aware like most of my batch mates were, that one only needed to put in some effort the night before the final exam to secure decent marks. (Meanwhile, I still wonder had I put those previous nights’ efforts right throughout the year, where would I be now. Feels scary to even think about it.)
Anyway, so there I was trying to make the most of my final few months in college, trying to be everywhere, and do everything, you all know the grind. I did hear passing references and comments about news from the outside world (mind you, everything outside the college campus is the outside world) that the software boom is coming to an end, companies all around the world are laying off people left, right and centre and many companies are shutting down. But these hardly registered, since it all seemed to be taking place so far away, in another world. After all, our jobs were secure; we'd all received our joining dates.
We passed out of college, some of us in flying colours, some of us flying for cover, and the rest barely making it to that required grade to join their preplaced companies. I must mention here one fact. The period from passing out of your college to joining your pre-placed company is a special period. Firstly, there're no more exams to prepare for and no homework or assignments to complete, and every time you remember that, it fills you with so much relief, that it is incomprehensible to the inexperienced. Secondly, there's the sadness of not seeing many of your good friends ever again, and missing those beautiful girls in college and in your class. Thirdly, there's this planning, dreaming and preparation taking place, towards joining your first job, getting your first pay in hand and the whole transformation from the student fraternity to the employed sodality. It is a whole cornucopia of emotions.
I joined my company on the assigned date, (the second choice company had postponed its joining date forever) one among thirty six young and eager faces. While this software slump was nagging us at the back of our minds, those worries were soon put to rest as we received an immediate rise in our compensation package. Ha ha, we had nothing to worry about now, our beloved company is doing so well in spite of this slump, that they've given us a raise.
We were put into an intensive two month training, where we were expected to learn what distinguished software engineers took two to three years to. This was a period of enlightenment, not just in some software programs and coding, but in the fact that many of us were not built for this kind of a job. But we all stuck on, after all the period after the training is where the fun really starts, doesn't it? We were told that after this two-month training period, we will be put into our respective projects.
The two months passed, all of us assembled in this beautiful conference room, took our seats and discussed which project each one would get, whether JAVA was better than VC++, or whether Pascal was a smarter guy than Richard, while we waited for our future project managers to come pick us. I must tell you, my thoughts also flirted around the bike I was going to buy the next day and the options for the extra fittings I could fit in. After a long wait, our HR vice president walked in, followed by an entourage of HR personnel. We were a little surprised, not seeing any of our would-be technical managers, but then perhaps this company has different ways of doing things.
Thereafter, what was said in that conference hall is still a blur to me to this day. There was some talk of software slump, not doing well, cost cutting and global layoffs. What I do remember is that at the end of it all, we were holding our own resignation letters that we were supposed to sign, and had time till that evening to clear out our desks, hand in our ID cards and leave the premises. For good.
Walking out that gate on Bangalore's MG Road that afternoon will remain in my mind for the rest of my life. A whole bunch of thirty six young aspirants, with our individual small dreams shattered in a matter of minutes, some still dazed not realizing what happened, some crying, some smiling at the irony of it all. I must mention here the second fact. Staying in a far off place, away from your family, not having a shoulder to lean on, your job being snatched out from right under you ten minutes ago, not having a clue what to do next or where to go and feeling not a penny's worth, is one of the worst things that can happen to you. And I hope others needn't ever come to experiencing it.
I too was once such a young aspirant, spending my fourth year in college with not a care in the world. What did I have to worry about? Having received not one, but two job offers by the end of my third year, I only had to maintain my academic average through the remaining period and walk in to my job. Moreover, with my previous experiences, I was fully aware like most of my batch mates were, that one only needed to put in some effort the night before the final exam to secure decent marks. (Meanwhile, I still wonder had I put those previous nights’ efforts right throughout the year, where would I be now. Feels scary to even think about it.)
Anyway, so there I was trying to make the most of my final few months in college, trying to be everywhere, and do everything, you all know the grind. I did hear passing references and comments about news from the outside world (mind you, everything outside the college campus is the outside world) that the software boom is coming to an end, companies all around the world are laying off people left, right and centre and many companies are shutting down. But these hardly registered, since it all seemed to be taking place so far away, in another world. After all, our jobs were secure; we'd all received our joining dates.
We passed out of college, some of us in flying colours, some of us flying for cover, and the rest barely making it to that required grade to join their preplaced companies. I must mention here one fact. The period from passing out of your college to joining your pre-placed company is a special period. Firstly, there're no more exams to prepare for and no homework or assignments to complete, and every time you remember that, it fills you with so much relief, that it is incomprehensible to the inexperienced. Secondly, there's the sadness of not seeing many of your good friends ever again, and missing those beautiful girls in college and in your class. Thirdly, there's this planning, dreaming and preparation taking place, towards joining your first job, getting your first pay in hand and the whole transformation from the student fraternity to the employed sodality. It is a whole cornucopia of emotions.
I joined my company on the assigned date, (the second choice company had postponed its joining date forever) one among thirty six young and eager faces. While this software slump was nagging us at the back of our minds, those worries were soon put to rest as we received an immediate rise in our compensation package. Ha ha, we had nothing to worry about now, our beloved company is doing so well in spite of this slump, that they've given us a raise.
We were put into an intensive two month training, where we were expected to learn what distinguished software engineers took two to three years to. This was a period of enlightenment, not just in some software programs and coding, but in the fact that many of us were not built for this kind of a job. But we all stuck on, after all the period after the training is where the fun really starts, doesn't it? We were told that after this two-month training period, we will be put into our respective projects.
The two months passed, all of us assembled in this beautiful conference room, took our seats and discussed which project each one would get, whether JAVA was better than VC++, or whether Pascal was a smarter guy than Richard, while we waited for our future project managers to come pick us. I must tell you, my thoughts also flirted around the bike I was going to buy the next day and the options for the extra fittings I could fit in. After a long wait, our HR vice president walked in, followed by an entourage of HR personnel. We were a little surprised, not seeing any of our would-be technical managers, but then perhaps this company has different ways of doing things.
Thereafter, what was said in that conference hall is still a blur to me to this day. There was some talk of software slump, not doing well, cost cutting and global layoffs. What I do remember is that at the end of it all, we were holding our own resignation letters that we were supposed to sign, and had time till that evening to clear out our desks, hand in our ID cards and leave the premises. For good.
Walking out that gate on Bangalore's MG Road that afternoon will remain in my mind for the rest of my life. A whole bunch of thirty six young aspirants, with our individual small dreams shattered in a matter of minutes, some still dazed not realizing what happened, some crying, some smiling at the irony of it all. I must mention here the second fact. Staying in a far off place, away from your family, not having a shoulder to lean on, your job being snatched out from right under you ten minutes ago, not having a clue what to do next or where to go and feeling not a penny's worth, is one of the worst things that can happen to you. And I hope others needn't ever come to experiencing it.
Ferraris of Chennai
If you are someone who has stayed in Chennai (one of the four metros of India, capital city of Tamil Nadu) for even a day, you would know what I'm talking about here. Yes, the Ferraris of Chennai are none other than our 3-wheel drives called Autorickshaws, more commonly known as Autos.
Firstly I must tell you what an Auto looks like. It has got a funny shape, unlike any automobile you may have in mind. Its front end is shaped sort of like a jumbo jet's cockpit. No, not as pronounced as that, but more or less, similar. And this front end is supported by a single tire located right in the middle, and poking out quite conspicuously. The back side is flat, with an opening like one of your cupboard doors at home, to access the fuel tank and motor, and this is all supported by two tires. So, that makes a total of 3 tires, doesn't it? In between is obviously the middle, and main portion, compartmentalized into two sections. The front for the driver, and the back for the passengers, three is the design limit, but in practice it has been observed to go as high as six or seven. All this is smug under a 'strong' overhead covering made of tarpaulin or plastic. To put it short, in the evolution of the automobile, the scooter transformed itself into the car by going through the phase of an Auto. Its literally a cross between a scooter and a car. Many of the new comers to Chennai have often wondered aloud to me as to how this thing stays on the road. "Wouldn't it just fall to one side?" "Well, that's a design marvel", I tell them.
Now that we know how it looks, you must see what it can do. A Chennai-Auto can be used for anything from a temporary living-quarters to a mini school bus to an industrial goods carrier. But mainly, they're used to transport people from one place to another in minimum time and maximum tariff. These super-light machines can achieve terrific accelerations from 0-60 in under ten seconds, irrespective of the fact whether one is on an empty test-field or in a Chennai traffic jam. This goes to say a lot about the guys who drive this mean machine, called as auto-drivers. I often wonder if the Road Transport Office conducts special tests before licensing an auto driver. I mean, their test conditions surely must be extremely difficult. I can imagine one test condition as going like this -'Ok, this is a 50 m track, crowded with a car or cycle or motorbike or pedestrian or a cow every 5 feet. All you have to do is drive your auto through all this, maintaining a constant speed of 80 kmph from start to finish, overloaded, of course'.
In my opinion, it is wrongly assumed that a fighter pilot is the most skillful of all drivers. Guys, you must take a look at a Chennai auto-driver in full flow. Little wonder that these fellows have an attitude to match. Getting an auto-driver to take you to a place is like getting Mallika Sherawat to do a film shoot fully dressed. A normal conversation with one would go like this ...
Passenger: Er, sir, would you come to Adyar?
Auto-Driver: (after a look up and down at you, and in his most insulting tone) Where in Adyar?
P: Near the Adyar bus station.
AD: Before the bus station or after?
P: After.
AD: That'll be 250 rupees.
P: Excuse me, but the last time I only paid 100 rupees by Taxi.
AD: So? See man, petrol prices have gone up. The roads are blocked now, and I'll have to take a roundabout route. If you want I can take you till before the bus station, that'll be only 200 rupees.
P: Its ok thanks, I think I'll take the taxi.
AD: Bloody $%&*$, right in the morning these %&*#$ come here to disturb our peace. Get out of here you %$$%&*...
And then, if you're unlucky, you'd meet a smiling auto-driver, who'd willingly take you to your destination, assuring you that you'll have to pay only the amount that shows in the rental-meter, and if you're happy, five rupees more. You get into the auto, and your sightseeing trip of Chennai starts. Right from the central Chennai landmarks to the suburbs, you'll get a local's knowledge of the geography. In between, you might also get to see the sophisticated meters at work at traffic signals, where they keep running even when the auto isn't. So, you finally reach your five-minutes-away destination after 2 hours and end up emptying out your bank account and mortgaging your house to pay for the ride. But what are you complaining about, you had a detailed view of the countryside and a roller-coaster ride for two hours, didn't you? Even Disneyworld doesn't offer that.
Hey, but there's nothing to feel bad about being gulled by an autodriver. It happens to even the Chennai residents on a daily basis. There was this one incident that occurred to me (I've been in Chennai for 17 years of my life, mind you) when I took an auto from the railway station. The guy asked me to pay just what's shown on the meter. Two minutes into the ride, he switched off the meter, said he's been on the route for a long time now, and that the amount would be 70 rupees (which I knew was at least 30 more than the usual fare). I refused, and after an on-road quarrel, he took me straight back to where he picked me, took hold of one of my bags and asked me to pay up 70 rupees. It should really impress you to know that I got out of that situation with my bags and pride intact with 'just' 10 rupees short. Taking an auto in Chennai is the best way one can be 'taken for a ride'. Literally.
As a final word, I must say, please don't let this deter you from coming to Chennai and taking one of those auto rides. After all, we do indulge in alcohol and drugs and unsafe sex and gambling, don't we? And if you aren't brave enough to take one, at least you could observe in awe one of the marvels of automobile design and some of the best drivers in the business. Ferraris of Chennai, indeed!
References: The pic has been picked from this location (http://www.daneshzaki.com/post/28136930/chennai-auto-rickshaw-drivers-the-other-side). I wouldn't be brave enough to take their pictures now, would I?
A rap on the hand that helps...
Right from the time I've left my school, I've been in different cities all over India over different periods of time. This has given me a lot of experiences, some nostalgic, some pleasant, some unpleasant, and some ironical, like this one below - but they have all been memorable.
So then, what better way to keep them fresh than to blog them here. So, in this category, you will get to share many of my experiences, starting with this first one...
I was in my college days, second year, to be precise. My college was in Trivandrum, a pleasant city in Kerala in south India. Since my native place was just a couple of hours and more from there by train, everytime there was a Friday or Monday off I used to go there to visit my aunts, uncles and grandparents and cousins. And what better way for a hostelite to get his laundry done, right.
It was one of those Friday mornings, and so I collected all my soiled clothes, put on a pair of them, packed the rest in a bag and off I went to the railway station.
I reached the station, got myself a ticket, found that the train was still an hour away, saw an empty bench occupied only by an elderly lady, and settled myself onto it. After looking around at every person in the station for a while, like we all do in a public place when having nothing else to do, I looked at my bench neighbour. She seemed a little worried and forlorn and there seemed to be no husband or son or daughter around returning with a water-bottle or hot masala dosa or tea. We started chatting, well if you're wondering, I speak good Tamil too, and she was from Tamil Nadu. And I learned that she was alone and is looking to go to her home in Tirunelveli. Now, as far as I knew, Trivandrum station was a terminal, in the sense, all the trains leave the station in only one way, and then take their separate routes. So, I knew that she would also have to travel in the same train I was going to use.
The announcement came that our train would come on platform 2, which is across tracks from the one we were on. So, I took my bag and this sweet lady's bag, took her by hand, and led her up the crossover steps and down to our platform 2. We hardly reached there when two men came down those steps in a rush. They looked familiar cause I had noticed these two men were also on the previous platform. They came straight to us and asked me my name, age, occupation and where I was headed for, which they learned as Kayankulam. Then they learned from grandma that she was headed for Tirunelveli. And then I learned with some embarrassment that Trivandrum station is not a terminal, and that trains leave from there in both directions, and that Tirunelveli and Kayankulam were 'coincidentally' in opposite directions. And almost at the same time I also noticed their regulation police boots. These were plainclothesmen, surveying the station for crime.
Now if any of you have stayed in a hostel for a long period would understand that hostelites don't look all that well and decent, what with erratic water supplies, late night chats and card games and booze parties. And add to that the smelly clothes I was wearing. So, with nothing said and done, I wouldn't have looked very different from a local roughie then. The cops quietly led grandma, who I must mention had absolutely no idea what was happening and wasn't in any way interested to know either, to the opposite side and into a train that had been there ever since I walked into the station. And whats written in bold letters on its sides? - 'Trivandrum-Tirunelveli Express'. Ha ha, now how was I going to get out of this?
The cops returned. And how did I handle it? Well, I took in a deep breath, and in my most fluent English explained to them what had happened. I also laid emphasis on the fact that I was studying engineering and was staying in the hostel, and so was an outsider who hadn't a clue as to which town lay in which direction (do I get the Mr. Moron prize for that?). The cops decided to believe me, and with a suspicious look up and down, off they went to patrol the other regions. I could only look around at the staring public with a sheepish smile, and wait for my train to rescue me.
Well, Grandma, helping you, I almost went from railway station to police station and only hope everything was worth it and that you reached your home safe and sound. But the next time you need my help grandma, I will still oblige gladly.
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