Efficient Me !

Ever since I started writing (about myself, as is always the case) I've been deprecating myself consistently in my blogs. Hey, someone has to criticize me, right? "I do it so I always remain grounded", is what I say. But ask me after a few beers and I'll let it out that I'm very afraid of getting assaulted by someone who disapproves of what I write about them. Anyway, I was so smug about this practice until someone told me that people who make fun of themselves are actually more egoistic than others. So I have made a decision to intersperse such entries with some factual ones now and then. (Please note, as I write this I'm being strongly distracted by some lovely ladies running around in skimpy skirts on tv... some French Open or something).

Coming back to the topic, one may ask what is so efficient about me. In fact, if you had studied or worked with me at some point in the past, you might even start feeling nauseous at this point. But before you mess up whatever is in front of you, let me add that this efficiency is not in academics or work or any of those mundane activities we waste the best parts of our lives on. This efficiency works in a way that is not so obvious. Its end result on the other hand, definitely is. You just need to take a look at me to see it. Let me explain.

We need to eat so that we can sustain ourselves, so that we have the energy to do our day to day activities. (Some of us eat for entirely different reasons, but lets not get into that now.) The more active your lifestyle is, the more food you need to consume. Unless your aim is to get into Kareena Kapoor's pants. (Hey, don't get me wrong here. I was referring to her size zero trousers.) In this aspect, most people are normal. Which means, they consume six to eight rotis, a handful of rice, some dal, couple of vegetables, 3-4 "chai"s with snacks or chaat, etc. in a day; which then provides them just enough energy to go to office, work for ten hours, return home, watch TV, play with the kid, fight with the spouse and sleep.

When I say I'm efficient, what I mean is this. In a day I eat a maximum of 6 rotis, 2 "chai"s, 2 fresh fruit juices, some dal, some vegetables and maybe a muffin. I avoid rice, or "chaat" or any other "energy-rich" junk food at all costs. I take the bus to office, work 8 to 10 hours a day, walk atleast a couple of miles in office (what with my employers setting up a 43 acre theme park and calling it an office), return home, watch TV, then run like a madman around my colony for 30 minutes, and then sleep. And yet, my body amazingly manages to add atleast an inch around my waist every month on a regular basis. Now, if this is not efficiency, what is?

By the way, if anyone is looking to make plans with me, I'll be busy next week. Apparently the Japs are coming to town to take a look at me.

Another one bites the dust !

Prescript: This post is in utter disgust and on an emotional low. So, if you came looking for some humor, go and laugh at your own life. I'm sure you have enough things to laugh at there.

I have given up my good friend. I have been beaten unfair and square by the many learned men of the past. Men who have spent their entire lives coming up with different ways to screw up a young man's life. Such as religion for one. As a Hindu, look at all those gorgeous Muslim, Parsi and Christian women that I can only see, but never lay a finger on. Language for another. What chance does a 'madrasi' with his classical music and 'poda vada' language have with a kudi who sways to Daler Mehendi and sweet Punjabi gaali? What screwed my life, or is in the process of screwing (and quite successfully at that too) my life is these learned men's invention called the horoscope.

After several attempts at love, interspersed with hairline fractures, misaligned jaws and claw scars in embarrassing places, I resigned to the process of an arranged marriage - the secret weapon that every boy's family uses to get him together with a girl he wouldn't otherwise have had a rat's ass chance to be in the vicinity of, let alone date. And since no human being in his or her sane senses would conduct an arranged marriage without a horoscope, the well-wishers promptly went ahead and made one for me. After all, these astrologists too have wives and kids to feed, parrots to groom, and betel leaves and black ink to buy. Aah, but thats a different tale. So the horoscope was made, and what do we see... it has some complicated parameter misalignment which mandates a similar crap in the girl's one as well. In other words, it reduces by more than half whatever little chance the guy has at procreation.

Apparently there is some scientific reasoning behind these things like astrology, horoscope, crystal ball gazing, shit, etc. they say. The only reasoning I see is population control. Take away my chances of getting married, and how will I have kids, right? Yes, those wily learned men from long long ago were probably very thoughtful indeed. Who knows?

Well, what I do know is that this lovely lady I really liked refuses to have anything more to do with me, because some star or planet many millions of kilometers away happened to remain where it remained some thirty one years ago.