My Mind, my Body and I

I have had a revelation. No wait, I have had 'the' revelation. I have been enlightened comme la Gauthama Budha. This one didn't take place under a bodhi tree though, but the rate at which I'm making these revelations during class hours, I will end up under some tree very soon. The revelation is this - my body and my mind do not get along well. My body seems to have a mind of it's own, and my mind has no mind over matter, I mean latter. Help!!! It has been a while since I've been getting little hints, but now its all as clear as daylight.

 

   Take for instance the incident when I was at this bus stop, and there was this really huge lady smartly parked next to me. I looked at her, and our eyes met. And then for no reason, my eyes winked. No, I won't say I winked. I never wanted to wink there. And the last thing my mind wants is to wink and get beaten up in front of ten other people on a busy road in a bus stop by a really huge lady. But then, the eyes winked. Thankfully I got this brainwave suddenly and I acted out an oscar winning performance feigning optical invasion from a flying bird. Atleast that is what she must have thought looking at the gimmicks.

 

   Or take for instance this other day on the soccer field. Some 'Pele' from the opposite team smacks the ball straight to my face. I can see it coming, and I recollect my mind screaming 'Duck, Duck, Duck dude, D-U-C-K', while my body simply stood there watching the ball all the way as it rocketed into my face. And at the end of the day, who suffers with those bruised lips? Poor me. Talk about third party turmoil.

 

   The best part is when it comes to speech, especially if it is to a pretty girl I want to impress. My mind thinks up a nice opening line, good enough to impress even the snottiest one. As I make the approach, the mind's playing out all possible variations of responses and more wisecracks to counter them. But just as I reach the damsel, my body starts to back out. It starts to sweat all over. Then the fingers start to shake. The eyes start to bulge and scatter suspicious looks here and there. The mouth goes dry and the tongue stays rooted. So what she turns and looks into is a gaping retard, with a dumb smile who's just stepped out of the lunatic ward. If she doesn't scream then, she sure will once the spoonerisms and other slips of the rooted tongue start coming out. Sigh. If only the two could learn to cooperate, many a damsel would be eating off my hands.

 

   Meanwhile my mind ain't all that innocent either. On it's part, it often comes up with all these silly ideas trying to fulfill which, gets me into a lot of trouble. For instance, after watching Mission Impossible the other day, my mind starts to think that I am Tom Cruise. And I get convinced of the same and fly around like a stud, glaring menacingly at every other guy on the road and looking at ladies with a swagger and that knowing smile. 'Hey baby, yeah. How's it going? How about a ... you know *wink*' . (I'm also known to behave this way when in the midst of alcohol, especially when the drink is in my inner midst). And then I come crashing down when he replies with his hands or she replies with a 'Hey joker, take a look at the mirror will ya? Hmmmpfff '. Again whose ego is hurt? Poor mine.

 

   Anyway, now that the problem has been identified, the next step is to find a solution. That is what I'm working on at the moment. I tried meditation, but when I tried to explain that to my professor, he only glared at me and walked off mutterring something about sleeping in class or something like that. And that was the end of that. But a solution find I will and till then I won't mind the body and I won't body over the mind.

Flirt with War

Flashes of light from far exploding shells intermittent in disorder

Reminiscent of the violence in the surroundings, lest it may be forgotten

Drum beats rolling of the soldiers' boots marching in the distance

Trampling in condescension upon newly conquered soils

Bullets shrieking through the air towards people and property alike

Striking down with force with neither prejudice, nor mercy

 

With each distant blast, are buildings trembling violently

As I cower in my rat hole in fear, trembling along

And then I see her, so close and yet almost a lifetime away

As she unsettles, sheds her veil and lifts up her face

Through the cracked glass panes, across the wartorn, deserted street

Into the bullet ridden window of my place of shelter, her eye catches mine.

 

For the briefest of moments, in peace, the surrounding chaos is forgotten

What do I see in them, is it fear of death or is it grief for the dead

Is it concern for a dependent or in despair of solitude

And then in one honest moment, she reveals to me and I see

The fury in those eyes burning against those that dared to oppress

The resignation in those eyes, resignation to what she must do

 

And even as I comprehend the justness of it all, she blows herself

In an explosion I never heard, in a blinding light I never saw,

But her image so near and yet almost a lifetime away

Etched in me forever.

A love letter...

The days before I laid eyes on you

Girl, I've never felt this way

For there is something special about you

What is it, I cannot say

 

It makes me feel so close to you

Like I've known you all these days

An extraordinary sensation

That makes me feel so out of place

 

Is it your long black hair

Soft and sweet-smelling of flowers

Or is it your dark soft eyes

Which leave me dreaming for hours

 

Is it your beautiful lips

Part of your dazzling smile

That charms all around you

And spreads warmth for over a mile

 

The tender touch of your hands

The dainty steps of your feet

The way you flash your angry eyes

When you meet people, the way you greet

 

With your every move girl,

My heart skips a beat

And leaves me in the cold

Forever seeking your heat

 

I miss you very badly girl

Every second that you're away

You're in my heart and my mind

For twenty six hours a day

 

You're the reason for what I am

You're the reason for what I'm not

You're my other half, you complete me

You're my mind, you're my only thought

 

I love you girl, I love you

Till the sun sets in the east

Till the ocean dries to its bed

Till the trees have no leaves

Till the sky falls on my head

I love you girl, I love you

PS: I won the love letter writing competition in college with this one. 

Lonely in your Absence...

I close my eyes, I see her from behind ...
Her hair is a moonless night, darkest and yet serenely peaceful

She turns around ...
And the moon appears... only clearer than the celestial one

She sees me ...
Two twinkling stars... innocently enticing me into its depths
Asking of me mischievous questions without uttering a word
Or is it my imagination

She smiles ...
Her smouldering radiance... igniting smiles on other faces around

She moves ...
Her grace, she's a falling snowflake, a flowing river

She approaches ...
Her scent... a hundred roses would feel inadequate

With her hands, she gestures to me...
Magic wands waving mesmerising arcs through the air

Like a fly, I'm drawn to her flame ...
A flame that can consume me, I'm aware

Unable to withdraw, not wanting to either
An embrace in it is worth a painful death

I reach out ...
Just as I take that leap of faith

She stops, having put on a mysterious mask
A glint in her dancing eyes, I can't comprehend
An evasive smile, that suddenly feels different

She turns around, and walks away.

I'm scalded, and yet not consumed
I've fallen, and yet not lastingly broken
With scars, that I'm sure will eventually fade

But for now, it hurts, this loneliness ...

Dodging the Dogs

I love dogs... I really do! For a start, they are immensely cute and cuddly. They're amazing company to play and to shove and hug and throw around, they're extremely loyal, and always seem to be enjoying life. And hell, they've even played supporting roles in a few successful South Indian films (along with snakes and bears and birds and elephants of course). The only problem is, dogs don't feel the same way about me. It is the most tragic and most perpetual of one-way love affairs. Dogs simply hate me!

I suspect the main reason for this could be that however much I love them, I also fear them. And I'm sure dogs have this animal instinct to detect fear and turn hostile towards it. I'm also afraid of cats, of raven, of mice and all those animals that have claws and teeth and prefer to use them against logic or concern for personal safety. But then these animals run away from me when I make a mock charge at them. But dogs, they're different. Many a times I made a mock charge at them only to see them charge back at me with renewed vigor. And were it not for some tall gate or a strong fence, I'd have ended up as dog dinner.

Knowing very well the fact that all dogs consider themselves superior to me, I make it a point to completely leave them alone. But they always make it a point to acknowledge my presence as if to tell me, 'Hey buddy, I know you're here. Watching you' (gulp). I remember this one incident when I was jogging along the beach when I saw these two huge German Shepherds playing around ahead. Immediately I slowed my jog into a fast walk and then into a slow walk. Feigning total disinterest in them and with a prayer on the lips, I was quietly sneaking past when one of the brutes had to come at me, for no reason at all. Luckily, he was content with just scaring the shit out of me, sniffed me a little, gave a few woofs and with an irritated look watched me go.

In Kerala, just around where I stay, there's this mean looking black street dog that considers one entire lane as its territory. Every time I pass by on a bicycle or scooter it shoots out from some hidden place, running alongside nipping at the pedals. Thanks to it, I have broken quite a few land speed records. That notwithstanding, I say the government should collect all these stray dogs and take them away to some uninhabited place, and let these animals have fun barking at each other.

Now, due to this constant war with dogs I know all there is to know about how to handle an attacking dog, how to treat a dog bite, what to do, what not to do, which breed you can outrun, which breed you can only stay and pray, all those trivia. Well, if there's nothing you can do to avoid the tangle with dogs, at least you could be prepared for it, right? Wonder how our elders thought of writing, 'Sleep with dogs, wake up with fleas'. Well guys, if you sleep with the ones I come across on a daily basis, you just might not wake up. The worst thing is when I see the same dogs behaving quite normally with other human beings. I guess God created the dog and said, 'You are a dog. You will live for 20 years, will bark from morning to evening, eat meat, guard houses, chase cats and frighten the shit out of Rajesh'.

Well, I'm waiting for an opportunity to get my own dog, the meanest breed that I can lay hands on. I'll get him as a pup, feed him, dress him, sleep with him (stop grinning pervert), love him, cuddle him... you know, catch him young and watch him grow. And then let me see if he turns on me or not. I'll put in the result if I'm still alive then. But for now, I guess I'm better off dodging the dogs.

Men are from Mars, Women are in the Jewellery Store

What is it with women and jewellery? I'll try to be as considerate as possible here. I agree that jewels are made of precious metals or stones, and are a good investment for future economic crisis, and add a little pomp and status in society. But that is as far I can go. None of this explains to me why women need to be chloroformed and gagged and tied up to persuade them out of the vicinity of jewels.

I recently went with this lady friend of mine to a jewellery store to shop for a relative. Its not that I am at war with this particular relative, but my intention was to simply select one decent piece within the allotted budget and leave. It turned out to be much more complicated than that.

As soon as we entered this big store, my normally sane friend was totally transformed into this wide eyed, gaping dimwit. She was looking all around, taking in everything except where she was going, and I had to stick close by to make sure she didn't bump into one of those plastic models or fall down the stairs. I quickly asked my way to the ear-rings section while attributing her strange behaviour to the food we just had.

At the ear-rings section, I simply mentioned my budget and asked them to show me the choices I had. But she would hear none of it. She told me in no uncertain terms to stand back and watch, while she, with all the confidence of some jewellery merchant, took over. She looked at one piece, asked that it be taken out, studied it for a while, a long while, that is, put it at different places all over her body, held it at every possible angle from 0 to 180 (sorry for being so analytical here), and in the end simply dismissed it, asking for the next one. I almost thought this was some MTV style prank, where one tests the patience limit of another. But no, the sales girl was only too happy to get her the next piece to undergo the same rigorous scrutiny as before, piece after piece, patiently with a smile. I guess it takes one species to understand its kind. And through all this, I simply sat there trying to look important, but feeling more like a fool and doing my best not to fall asleep.

One section of ear-rings came and went, the next section came and went, and the third. By now I was convinced it was a mistake to ask for her help. Finally, after what seemed like an eternity, she turned around and with eyes gleaming with excitement, asked, 'Rajesh, are you sure you want ear-rings only? There aren't any good choices for selection here, Why don't we look at other ornaments?'. What? Are you kidding me? After 2 hours of painfully going through a hundred or so ear-rings, you mean to say there's no choice here? Then why in the world didn't she feel so in the very first glance, surely she didn't have to do all those stunts with the pieces to come to that conclusion. Anyway, I couldn't bear to sit there for another couple of hours going through necklaces or rings or any other piece of ornament, for that matter. Already my eyes were seeing gold and silver everywhere. I messaged one bewildered colleague to ring me(no pun intended) on my mobile, answered the call with a few loud exclamations and words like 'Emergency' and 'Oh No!' and 'I'll be right there', grabbed my jewellery merchant's hands and yanked her out of the store.

And thats the last I'll walk into a jewellery store with a woman.

Not a Penny's worth

The world is talking about recessions again and of job insecurities, especially in the financial sectors. Life seems to be going around in circles, for not too long ago we faced a similar situation in the IT sector in the early part of this decade, when the dot.com bubble burst. Of course, the IT companies have come a long way hence and have been a stepping stone to many a thousand professional lives and their dreams. And as I read about company bankruptcies, mergers and job layoffs, I can’t help but recollect my own situation not too long back during the previous global crisis.

I too was once such a young aspirant, spending my fourth year in college with not a care in the world. What did I have to worry about? Having received not one, but two job offers by the end of my third year, I only had to maintain my academic average through the remaining period and walk in to my job. Moreover, with my previous experiences, I was fully aware like most of my batch mates were, that one only needed to put in some effort the night before the final exam to secure decent marks. (Meanwhile, I still wonder had I put those previous nights’ efforts right throughout the year, where would I be now. Feels scary to even think about it.)

Anyway, so there I was trying to make the most of my final few months in college, trying to be everywhere, and do everything, you all know the grind. I did hear passing references and comments about news from the outside world (mind you, everything outside the college campus is the outside world) that the software boom is coming to an end, companies all around the world are laying off people left, right and centre and many companies are shutting down. But these hardly registered, since it all seemed to be taking place so far away, in another world. After all, our jobs were secure; we'd all received our joining dates.

We passed out of college, some of us in flying colours, some of us flying for cover, and the rest barely making it to that required grade to join their preplaced companies. I must mention here one fact. The period from passing out of your college to joining your pre-placed company is a special period. Firstly, there're no more exams to prepare for and no homework or assignments to complete, and every time you remember that, it fills you with so much relief, that it is incomprehensible to the inexperienced. Secondly, there's the sadness of not seeing many of your good friends ever again, and missing those beautiful girls in college and in your class. Thirdly, there's this planning, dreaming and preparation taking place, towards joining your first job, getting your first pay in hand and the whole transformation from the student fraternity to the employed sodality. It is a whole cornucopia of emotions.

I joined my company on the assigned date, (the second choice company had postponed its joining date forever) one among thirty six young and eager faces. While this software slump was nagging us at the back of our minds, those worries were soon put to rest as we received an immediate rise in our compensation package. Ha ha, we had nothing to worry about now, our beloved company is doing so well in spite of this slump, that they've given us a raise.

We were put into an intensive two month training, where we were expected to learn what distinguished software engineers took two to three years to. This was a period of enlightenment, not just in some software programs and coding, but in the fact that many of us were not built for this kind of a job. But we all stuck on, after all the period after the training is where the fun really starts, doesn't it? We were told that after this two-month training period, we will be put into our respective projects.

The two months passed, all of us assembled in this beautiful conference room, took our seats and discussed which project each one would get, whether JAVA was better than VC++, or whether Pascal was a smarter guy than Richard, while we waited for our future project managers to come pick us. I must tell you, my thoughts also flirted around the bike I was going to buy the next day and the options for the extra fittings I could fit in. After a long wait, our HR vice president walked in, followed by an entourage of HR personnel. We were a little surprised, not seeing any of our would-be technical managers, but then perhaps this company has different ways of doing things.

Thereafter, what was said in that conference hall is still a blur to me to this day. There was some talk of software slump, not doing well, cost cutting and global layoffs. What I do remember is that at the end of it all, we were holding our own resignation letters that we were supposed to sign, and had time till that evening to clear out our desks, hand in our ID cards and leave the premises. For good.

Walking out that gate on Bangalore's MG Road that afternoon will remain in my mind for the rest of my life. A whole bunch of thirty six young aspirants, with our individual small dreams shattered in a matter of minutes, some still dazed not realizing what happened, some crying, some smiling at the irony of it all. I must mention here the second fact. Staying in a far off place, away from your family, not having a shoulder to lean on, your job being snatched out from right under you ten minutes ago, not having a clue what to do next or where to go and feeling not a penny's worth, is one of the worst things that can happen to you. And I hope others needn't ever come to experiencing it.